My name is Cancel Culture.
I was born without a spine. So my mother, Fragility, kept me safe from mean words and mean people who said them.
My father, Postmodernism, taught me that objective reality doesn't exist, so if I didn't like it, I could cancel it and make up my own reality.
From an early age, I learned that there are only two types of people in the world, those who agree with me and those who don't. In short, oppressors and the oppressed.
In college, I was traumatized by evil speakers who oppressed me with facts, and denied my "lived experience" with appeals to objective truth. So I canceled them. Social media was even scarier -- filled with all kinds of unsafe ideas. So I canceled them too! Then, I met the mastermind of all this oppression: Free Speech
He said that pursuing truth requires boldness, an open mind, and freedom to make mistakes, and so people should be free to say whatever they want.
I tried to cancel Free Speech, but he was the most popular kid on campus.
Then one day I met a new spineless friend, Anti-Fascism, Antifa for short. He had a cool costume and he hated Free Speech too. He said that words are violence, so we should use real violence to shut Free Speech's big mouth... permanently.
Together we marched, shouted, vandalized, and looted. We attacked the police, overturned statues, and reclaimed whole neighborhoods in our war on property, capitalism, and institutional racism.
We intimidated, boycotted, and shamed. If a person or company expressed views we didn't like, yes even in jest, and yes even if it was years ago, they got Cancelled.
I discovered the joy of doxxing, siccing my mob directly to dissenters' home addresses. We struck them with the club of moral righteousness ... and also with real clubs.
Still, Free Speech and a few stubborn voices refused to be bullied into silence. Strangely, the more victories I won, the more vocal they became.
That’s when I came up with my greatest Cancel yet: Deplatforming. I started small, a provocateur here, a heretic there. Then once Big Tech bought my idea, we even deplatformed the President of the United States and legions of his followers. And, when they set up their own social media platform, I deplatformed that as well.
Poor Free Speech tried to sue me, waving his "Constitution" at me, which I promptly canceled as well for its racist, sexist, individualist content. I know what's right, and I know what people need. So we don't need Free Speech around anymore.
Now everyone can be safe and happy and think the same things together, forever. And if anyone decides they don't like that well...